Elect Bonnie Derryberry as your team member

You see a pulsing light on the official TRIAD site you’ve subscribed to. A new video has dropped. The title reads “Why you SHOULDN’T draft..” but the rest is cut off, forcing you to click the button.

CLICK.

A professional narrator's voice tingles the auditory senses as scenes from the previous TRIAD trial flash across the screen.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Vhodka Black proved brave enough last time. But now the strength trial begins. Draftee hopefuls have arrived from far and wide, and everyone is talking about who should draft who, but has anybody stopped and asked who shouldn’t be drafted? Nobody wants to talk about that, until now.

Scenes from a riot scroll across the screen, indicating how sensitive the topic is.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: The list is long and starts with the most desperate ones in the pool, as seen on Twitter.



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Fuck you too. Pinkston spends more time on Twitter than in the gym. Hardly a beacon of strength.



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: We’ve all eaten baked potatoes bigger than him. One night he’s the most brilliant wrestler in the ring. One night it seems like he's not all there. Another night he crashes and burns. He’s hardly a pulsar of strength. He has a butt chin and you will have to look at it from time to time. Do you want to waste your pick on an iffy?



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Are you going to fall for his bribes? He is masking his subpar, at best, 2023 behind promises of free goodies if you pick him.



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: She won you the trial before, but at what cost to her body and her mind? She will tell you she’s all good, but is she? Has she ever been all there?

A cut scene suddenly takes us to Vhodka Black in her youth. She’s in her early teens and scrawling black crayons on her arm to make a tattoo. She looks at the camera and says, “I’m Vhodka Black! I’m 13 years old and pregnant as fuck cause my favorite flavor of popsicle is DICK!” She then eats the crayon.

Obviously, the girl in the cut scene isn’t Vhodka from years past. It’s some girl from Arkansas.



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Yes, he is a good target… to punch in the face. The asker asked for 5 words. Dickie Watson could only give him four words. He didn’t have the strength for the fifth word.



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: His work gets 2 stars on YELP. Negative reviews have commented about his smell and his lack of attention. Some claim he did good work but then left it unfinished.



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Your returns will be in the negatives because the strength trials will require more than novel moves with a magic talking stick and rabbits being pulled from hats. Will you risk a pick on the Lord of Parlor Tricks?



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Yes, we have all seen her because she hurls her bowel tract in our faces every chance she gets. Her strength lies within her buttal cheeks. Are you willing to risk a pick on a woman whose only strength rests in something that will be useless in many areas?



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Tremendously gifted in the ring but carries the burden of many, many, many, many-many-many other promotions he’s in. One snafu here or there in one of those plethora of promotions and he’s either injured or not quite 100% in a trial of strength. Are you gonna risk it for his delicious biscuit?



EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: J-Mont signs up for every event he can, and then latches onto someone who has clout, be it a friend or foe. Entertaining? Yes. Will he get you the piece of Strength? Evidence says no.

A Paul Freedom image pops up next, and below it his saying. “You never see me coming.”

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Everybody sees you coming, Paul Freedom, but nobody cares. Do you see him coming to your team?

The commercial breaks us from the diatribe and into the Tonle-Sap Mekong swamp forest around Angkor Wat, where a great battle rages between two beasts in the water. Epic music plays as we forge ahead.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Now ask yourself, who is best to elect? Bonnie Derryberry, that’s her name.

The monumental war ceases, and emerging from the blood-slicked water is the woman in question, Bonnie Derryberry. She’s clad in nothing but her own skin and the blood and bile from a ridiculously huge Burmese Python that looks like it’s straight out of a horror movie.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: STRENGTH!

Bonnie raises the gargantuan snake overhead and belts a primal roar.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: INTELLIGENCE!

Bonnie skulks along a path flanked by friendly gorillas. She flashes some Navy Seal type hand gestures and the gorillas flash the signal to each other and then respond with a different signal that Bonnie nods to. Moving with uncanny unison and stealth, the troop ambushes a larger pack of wild macaques that have been trespassing and attacking her friendly gorilla pals for a while now. The attack is sudden and decisive, resulting in Bonnie’s troop prevailing.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: CUNNING!

We find Bonnie and famous brainiac Neil deGrasse Tyson riding side by side on elephants somewhere in a tourist area of Cambodia. Out of respect for him, she’s “dressed up” from her usual primal nudity and is adorned in body paint of the universe.

Bonnie: Let’s make a deal. You ask me a question, and if I can’t answer it, I’ll give you 5 bucks. I’ll then ask you a question, and if you can’t answer it, you give me 100 bucks.

Neil laughs, impressed by the go-getterness and the prospect of a challenge, and nods the affirmative.

Neil Grasse Tyson: Gladly oblige and I’ll go first since I’m ponying up the larger sum. What 5-letter word typed in all capital letters can be read the same upside down?

Bonnie’s shoulders slump. She thinks and thinks and thinks. She eventually pouts and hands him a five-dollar bill. He takes it and hesitates for a moment because he knows she’s wearing body paint and there’s no telling where she pulled it from, but then he shrugs and tucks it into a pocket. He mouths “SWIMS” and Bonnie smacks her forehead. Doh.

Bonnie: Good one. My turn. What has three legs while going uphill but four legs when coming back down the hill?

Neil’s brows furl. He works out all the calculations in his brilliant mind but can’t grasp it. Eventually, he grunts and hands her 100 bucks.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: My turn again. What has three legs going uphill but four legs when coming back down the hill?

Bonnie grins the most mischievous grin and hands him 5 bucks because she doesn’t know either.

Bonnie: Gotcha!

She heels the elephant and takes off, leaving Neil in the dust.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: TEAM PLAYER when called upon!

The commercial fizzes, taking us back in time a few years, to the Wrestleverse promotion. Bonnie and Roo stand gloriously with their newly won Paradigm (tag team) Championship belts held aloft after murderlizing their opponents. It shifts to a nightclub afterward, where Roo and Bonnie are slizered and celebrate their win. Bonnie is seen in a kangaroo hoodie with Roo’s face on it, and the words “I Believe in Roo” are written across it. Roo is clad in a moon druid-themed hoodie with the words “Bonnie is my Boom-Bitch” written upon it.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Can SOLO hard mode when needed.

Another trip in time takes us back to Wrestleverse, showing Bonnie with a stack of bodies under her foot, as the ref counts the 1-2-3. The commentators are confused amid her victory, as the match had special rules; the last two standing would be forced to team with each other for the tag team titles. Bonnie had gone beast mode that night though, and beat the shit out of everyone instead.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Takes INITIATIVE!

Present day. Bonnie, stark raving nude, stands in a conference room surrounded by Welsh, PIC, and TLS, or perhaps these are actors playing the parts of the aforementioned. The three are flummoxed as Bonnie is on a spirited multiple-step plan of action to win the TRIAD for them. In short, it’s basically her doing the real-life version of the Charlie meme from Always Sunday in Philly.

(like so)


EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: HERO to the PEOPLE!

A mob of Cambodian innocents cower in fear as a platoon of corrupt shitbag cops surround them and are about to beat them with bamboo sticks and other manners of brutality. That is until the mighty CA-CAW is heard from miles around.

The sunny sky is blotted out by the gargantuan form of Abe, Bonnie’s giant bald eagle mount. The cops quake in their boots, too frozen with fear to flee as the monolith of a bird lands with a superhero bird landing causing a mild tremor in the ground. Abe spreads his wings, taking up what seems like miles of space to his left and right, shielding the innocent people behind him.

Bonnie: phnheakphaael mteayokmek (surprise motherfucker!)

The cops find their nerve enough to retreat, but nay, flee they shall not. They will not live to torture innocents another day. The platoon piles into different beat-up old trucks but Bonnie, mounted upon Able much like Danaerys atop Drogon, sends her beast into a flurry.

The vehicles speed away in different directions but one by one the giant monstrosity swoops in and yanks a truck up, yeeting them so high into the air the automobile becomes as small as an ant in the eyesight of those on the ground.

One vehicle comes to a sliding halt. It has a 50-cal machine gun mounted on the back and a man bravely orients it skyward as Abe swoops into a kamikaze dive. The steady dut-dut-dut of the machine gun echoes in the valley, heard from great distances.

The bird proves agile as he is massive, dexterously avoiding the projectiles until he gets within striking range where he lifts his tail-feather up, then orientates his humongous bird booty and lets loose with a dut-dut-dut of his own. Many hard but semi-liquid bird turds the size of a sedan ratty-tat-tat the man and the vehicle, burying them under a mountain of avian feces.

After the drive-by shitting is over, Abe flies back to the village and lands, allowing Bonnie to dismount. She’s immediately mobbed by the grateful and liberated villagers, and they hoist her up, tossing her up and down over and over again while they sing a song of their people in honor of their hero.

As she’s being flung up and down, Bonnie looks into the camera and gives one of those cheesy smiles politicians give at the end of their vote for me campaign commercials.

EPIC COMMERCIAL VOICE: Elect Bonnie Derryberry as your team member, because a vote for Bonnie is a vote for victory.

Bonnie: This is Bonnie Derryberry and I approved this message.