I am a real MERICAN.

So you got a draft coming up and you don't know who to pick. Well let me tell you why you should pick me, and I promise I'll keep it brief because the reasons are so plainly obvious that even the color blind could see my star spangled red white and blue awesomeness from 76 miles away. 


Let's start with the fact that Uncle Sam is my actual Uncle. It's true. Look it up. 


Or the fact that I literally have blue blood running through my veins that once exposed to the elements turns red and after I drink my daily intake of water I piss white. I am a walking, talking, fucking, American Flag come to life. 


How about I wake up every single morning and the first thing I do is say my Pledge of Allegiance. That's right, I say the Pledge before I drink my coffee, or even have my morning piss. That's how God damn American I am. 


You know what I do at night before I fall asleep? I pray to the Lord for my soul to keep. I'm a proud God fearing Patriot. And now the whacko kind you see on TV in their mega churches with their 10 million dollar homes and their yachts. I'm talking about living the values God and his disciples espoused in the good book. 


The good book is my favorite book you know. I read it nightly. Can you say the same? Probably not. And even if you do, do you really understand it? Do you live the commandments? 


I know I don't and that's another thing about me. I'm so honest that people confuse me with Honest Abe. I'm so honest that after I disobey a commandment I go to church, I sit in a confessional and I tell a Priest all the things I did wrong. He tells me to say some prayers and then bam, just like that, I'm a new man. Slate wiped clean.


I like hot dogs and warm Apple Pie. I drink beer. A lot of beer.  I don't care what the can looks like and you shouldn't either. 






See that's the problem with all you right wing lunatics. You spend so much time worrying about everyone and everything and you lose focus on what really matters. Who cares if a can has a rainbow on it? Honestly? Drink the beer. Smash the can. Rinse, repeat. How fucking hard is that? Is the beer going to taste different if the can has a rainbow on it or are you just a whiny baby bitch looking for something to cry about?


And you left wing liberals with your seemingly insatiable need to be offended over everything but not for yourself. No that would be too fucking easy. No you bitch and moan and protest because it's what you think others expect of you. Stop. Just fucking stop. Lace up some cleats, put on a helmet and go touch some grass. It will do you good. Or you'll get broken in half by someone who actually knows what they are doing and the world will have one less whiny baby bitch to deal with. Either way, win win for MERICA.


That's why people like me exist. The forgotten folk in the middle. The real Patriots. The TRUE RED WHITE AND BLUE 'MERICANS. The people who mind their own fucking business and just live their best lives each and every day unconcerned with the bullshit that the rest of you spend your precious hours worrying about. 


Why draft me? Because I AM the TRUE face of AMERICA. And I CAN BE the true face of The Triad.


Oh and if you still don't believe my claims about Uncle Sam, well how about you draft me, then when I bleed in the ring as I am wont to do, you can Ancestry.com me and see for yourself.