Post by MW on Jun 8, 2023 17:33:19 GMT -5
So what has THE LEO been up to all this time?
Running his own business. He’s freed himself from the shackles of unpaid labor and found greener pastures.
We all know Leo is a giver so it should come as no surprise that he’s giving back. Yes, giving back to the community that helped make him a J-list celebrity.
Let’s check in on him.
There he is!
The man looks healthy, happy, and confident. He’s bulked up a bit because he no longer has to fit into the clothes his parents bought him while he was in High School. With some money in his pocket, he’s now able to actually walk into the stores at the local mall.
He stands at the front of a room casting a slightly judgmental gaze upon a group of 11 messily dressed and sloppily built men. The tension is high. It’s quiet. They await the first command from Leo.
“Okay! Welcome to Leo’s Internet Wrestling Rehab! I am, of course, The Leo.”
Huge applause. His reputation precedes him. These 11 lost, confused men were obviously huge fans of his twitter persona…back when he had one.
“Alright, calm down, just relax.”
They continue to cheer. Leo shrugs, “Really guys, it’s too much.” They still cheer. Leo extends his hands out at his side as if to say ‘what ya gonna do?’ More cheering. “Alright, alright, let’s get down to business.” More cheering. “SILENCE YOU LOSERS!”
The cheering stops.
“We’re not here to grab each other's asses and whisper sweet nothings into one another’s ears. That comes later. I’m here to teach you all how to leave internet wrestling behind so that you can go out and enjoy real life. Help you adjust.”
One of them slips his hand into his pocket and tries to pull out his phone.
“WHAT IS THAT”
He stumbles over his words, dropping his phone. Leo runs forward and kicks the phone away…it slams into the wall, landing on the ground face up. He power walks, bends down, and picks it up, staring at the screen.
“I don’t care how awesome Triad is or how cool Triad Guy’s twitter account may be…you will NOT, I repeat, will NOT be cruising the internet during this session. If I find any more phones on any other people in this class then…well…” Leo pauses, not really sure what he’d do. They all stare at him, terrified. He narrows his eyes and points at the entire room, “It’ll be bad. Believe that.”
Leo returns to the front of the room. He looks at the phone one more time and at Triad Guy’s latest tweet. He chuckles, “Hilarious. Great stuff.”
He tosses the phone down. “Okay, let’s get started. I want to run you all through a few exercises and see just how much work is needed. So, let’s get into our first exercise. Humor. Humor is a great way to make friends and influence people. Now, I want one of you to tell me a joke.”
The eleven sad sacks shuffle their feet and stare at the ground. Nobody is going to volunteer, obviously. So, Leo does it for them, “You, over there. Position number 6.”
He looks up with fear in his eyes. He has to struggle to catch his breath. His brain races…he tries to think of something funny. His eyes find an empty spot…where the twelfth member of this group should be only, I guess he didn’t show up. His perks up with excitement.
“I didn’t know John Blade was going to be in this class!” The other ten roar with laughter. Leo is confused. Guy 6 sees Leo is lost and explains, “Ya know, because we CAN’T SEE HIM?” More laughter.
Leo’s eyes widen just a bit as he stares at the man telling the joke. The man feels Leo’s stare and he slowly stops laughing. The rest of the men follow suit. The room is silent once again.
“Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Go try telling that joke in a normal crowd of people and see how it goes over, alright?” Guy 6, feeling shame, lowers his head. “Also, if you have to explain the fucking joke then it’s a terrible fucking joke, you got that?”
Silence.
“I said…you got that!”
“Yes, Leo.”
“That’s better. I’ll be handing out a book of jokes I’ve personally crafted for you all to read and learn from after class. You will be billed $19,99 for the book. Now, let’s move on to our second exercise.”
Leo looks around and makes eye contact with Guy 9. Guy 9 tries to look away but it’s too late. Leo snaps his fingers, “You! Give me a take on modern pro wrestling…go!”
“Uhh, well…okay, so…I think the workrate in this business isn’t what it used to be and wrestlers are making a mockery of the true sport that is professional wrestling. This isn’t a joke. It’s a sport and I’d like to see it be taken seriously once again!”
Leo nods and looks around. He sees Guy 3 shaking his head, face turning red. “You, position three, you look like you’ve got something to say.”
“I’d better not.”
“C’mon, Guy 3…let it out. How does that opinion make you feel?”
Guy 3 nods. He chews on the inside of his cheek. Fuck it, he’s gonna speak his mind, “I feel…I feel like I want to write a three thousand word manifesto ripping this guy for his opinion and how he takes this stuff too seriously!”
Leo strides forward and places his hand on Guy 3’s shoulder, “You see what you did there? You want to rip him for taking this too seriously by writing three thousand words about it…doesn’t that seem a little, I don’t know, stupid?”
Guy 3 frowns.
“Instead of showing him that he takes this too seriously by you taking it even more seriously…how about you, ignore his opinion. Let him have it and then go about your day enjoying the things about pro wrestling you enjoy. How about that? Does that sound nice? Doesn’t that sound like an easier, less stressful way to live?”
“It…it does.”
“Great!”
Leo backs away. “People have opinions and they don’t have to align with yours. People have actions and they don’t have to jive with yours. And you know what? That’s okay. They can have theirs and you can have yours and we can all exist. Breathe in, breathe out…say it with me, ‘It’s okay if someone has an opinion that’s different than mine’.”
They follow the exercise. It’s repeated several times. The tension in the room has lowered. The vibe is almost, almost ‘chill’.
“You know what,” Leo smiles, “I think we might be ready for this next exercise.” Leo leans against the wall behind him and gives it a casual knock with his index knuckle. A door slides open and Who’Re emerges. The men gasp.
“Men, I present to you a woman. A flesh and blood, living, breathing woman. In this next exercise, I’m going to have her approach one of you and I want you to introduce yourself to her. That’s it. That’s all. So, let’s begin.”
Leo points at the guy in position 2. Who’Re walks up to him and smiles. His eyes become saucers, “You have really nice tits.”
“Whoa! Whoa!” Leo waves his hands around, stepping forward. He grabs Who’Re and pulls her away from the guy. Leaning forward, getting in the guy’s face Leo sternly says, “Wrong.”
He looks around and points at Guy 10. Who’Re walks over and stands in front of him. Guy 10 nods with confidence, “So, is that a mirror in your pocket because I really wanna get my hand in your pants.”
“NO!” Leo yells, pulling Who’Re away from Guy 10. He slams his hands on his hips and shakes his head, disappointed. “First off, completely and utterly inappropriate. Second…that’s not even how the pickup line goes, man. Shit.”
Guy 8 catches Leo’s eye. “Okay, let’s try this one more time.” He ushers Who’Re over. She stands in front of Guy 8. Guy 8’s eyes slowly lower burying themselves in her cleavage.
They wait for him to say something. He just stares, mesmerized. They wait. This silence goes on for nearly 45 seconds before Who’Re casts an uncomfortable look at Leo.
“Okay, time’s up!” He pulls Who’Re away. Guy 8 looks up. “You didn’t even get out of the starting gate, man. Words. Eye contact. Essential if you want to make friends and, potentially impress women.”
Leo quietly apologizes to Who’Re. She complains about deserving more money for this gig. Leo can’t argue. She leaves. All 11 heads in the room turn, watching her leave.
“Guys!” Leo claps his hands together. They look back his way. “I hate to say it, but you might be the saddest group I’ve ever had to deal with. So, we’re going to have to start at the very beginning. Come with me, let’s head outside.”
The room gasps.
“Relax, you’ll be fine.”
Leo grabs a box and carries it toward the door. One by one, as they exit, he hands them a pair of black shades that are very much like the type you receive from an optometrist after an eye exam. “The sun can be harsh. Do not look directly at it. Take these, wear them. I can’t have you guys going blind. Not on my watch.”
And we’re outside. Leo addresses the 11 men wearing their optometrist-issued shades. “Alright, this is a very simple exercise you should all be able to perform. Now, listen to me carefully. I want each and every one of you to bend over, get down on one knee…whatever works for you…and I want you all to touch grass.”
They murmur amongst themselves.
“Yes, touch the grass. C’mon, you can do it.”
Slowly they bend to the ground to do as their told. Leo’s phone rings.
“Scam Likely? Ah what the hell.” He answers. His attention is suddenly snared, “Mr. Welsh…is that you? You’re alive! Oh wow. Triad. You want me to get you prepped for the Bermuda Triangle? You know I respect you, sir, but I’ve got my own business going here and…”
“My hand!”
“Hold on, sir.”
Leo turns toward the screaming customer. “It’s itchy! It’s red! What’s happening!”
Leo hurries over and inspects the man’s hand. “Oh no, I think you’re allergic to grass.” The rest of the guys freak out, fearing the grass is dangerous. “No, stay calm! Everybody stay calm!”
But, he’s lost control. “Huh? What’s that…no, everything’s fine over here. In fact, I’m running a very successful business, I’ll have you know. My days of working for free are over,” Leo speaks with one hand covering his ear. He steps away from the frenzy.
“He’s passing out!” a voice yells.
Leo covers his ear tighter, “Yea, no, I’m not working for free, especially chasing some mythical treasure inside the Bermuda Triangle. They don’t call it the ‘Devils’ Triangle for nothing, ya know.”
“I don’t feel a pulse!! We need to do CPR!”
Leo slowly looks over his shoulder at the situation unfolding. A team of standby medics from a local ER facility sprint over and place electric shockers (definitely the technical term) on the man’s chest. “And…CLEAR!” a giant wave of volts is shocked into the guy’s system. His entire body convulses. Leo turns back around and leans forward, speaking into the phone.
“Bermuda Triangle, huh? You’ll pay me after we get this Triad thing, right?”
“He’s not responding! The grass was too much for him! Shock him again!”
“Okay, I’m heading down there right now. See you in a few weeks, sir!”
Leo slides his phone into his pocket, places some orthopedic shades over his face, and walks away briskly before turning a corner and bursting into an all-out sprint.
Running his own business. He’s freed himself from the shackles of unpaid labor and found greener pastures.
We all know Leo is a giver so it should come as no surprise that he’s giving back. Yes, giving back to the community that helped make him a J-list celebrity.
Let’s check in on him.
There he is!
The man looks healthy, happy, and confident. He’s bulked up a bit because he no longer has to fit into the clothes his parents bought him while he was in High School. With some money in his pocket, he’s now able to actually walk into the stores at the local mall.
He stands at the front of a room casting a slightly judgmental gaze upon a group of 11 messily dressed and sloppily built men. The tension is high. It’s quiet. They await the first command from Leo.
“Okay! Welcome to Leo’s Internet Wrestling Rehab! I am, of course, The Leo.”
Huge applause. His reputation precedes him. These 11 lost, confused men were obviously huge fans of his twitter persona…back when he had one.
“Alright, calm down, just relax.”
They continue to cheer. Leo shrugs, “Really guys, it’s too much.” They still cheer. Leo extends his hands out at his side as if to say ‘what ya gonna do?’ More cheering. “Alright, alright, let’s get down to business.” More cheering. “SILENCE YOU LOSERS!”
The cheering stops.
“We’re not here to grab each other's asses and whisper sweet nothings into one another’s ears. That comes later. I’m here to teach you all how to leave internet wrestling behind so that you can go out and enjoy real life. Help you adjust.”
One of them slips his hand into his pocket and tries to pull out his phone.
“WHAT IS THAT”
He stumbles over his words, dropping his phone. Leo runs forward and kicks the phone away…it slams into the wall, landing on the ground face up. He power walks, bends down, and picks it up, staring at the screen.
“I don’t care how awesome Triad is or how cool Triad Guy’s twitter account may be…you will NOT, I repeat, will NOT be cruising the internet during this session. If I find any more phones on any other people in this class then…well…” Leo pauses, not really sure what he’d do. They all stare at him, terrified. He narrows his eyes and points at the entire room, “It’ll be bad. Believe that.”
Leo returns to the front of the room. He looks at the phone one more time and at Triad Guy’s latest tweet. He chuckles, “Hilarious. Great stuff.”
He tosses the phone down. “Okay, let’s get started. I want to run you all through a few exercises and see just how much work is needed. So, let’s get into our first exercise. Humor. Humor is a great way to make friends and influence people. Now, I want one of you to tell me a joke.”
The eleven sad sacks shuffle their feet and stare at the ground. Nobody is going to volunteer, obviously. So, Leo does it for them, “You, over there. Position number 6.”
He looks up with fear in his eyes. He has to struggle to catch his breath. His brain races…he tries to think of something funny. His eyes find an empty spot…where the twelfth member of this group should be only, I guess he didn’t show up. His perks up with excitement.
“I didn’t know John Blade was going to be in this class!” The other ten roar with laughter. Leo is confused. Guy 6 sees Leo is lost and explains, “Ya know, because we CAN’T SEE HIM?” More laughter.
Leo’s eyes widen just a bit as he stares at the man telling the joke. The man feels Leo’s stare and he slowly stops laughing. The rest of the men follow suit. The room is silent once again.
“Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Go try telling that joke in a normal crowd of people and see how it goes over, alright?” Guy 6, feeling shame, lowers his head. “Also, if you have to explain the fucking joke then it’s a terrible fucking joke, you got that?”
Silence.
“I said…you got that!”
“Yes, Leo.”
“That’s better. I’ll be handing out a book of jokes I’ve personally crafted for you all to read and learn from after class. You will be billed $19,99 for the book. Now, let’s move on to our second exercise.”
Leo looks around and makes eye contact with Guy 9. Guy 9 tries to look away but it’s too late. Leo snaps his fingers, “You! Give me a take on modern pro wrestling…go!”
“Uhh, well…okay, so…I think the workrate in this business isn’t what it used to be and wrestlers are making a mockery of the true sport that is professional wrestling. This isn’t a joke. It’s a sport and I’d like to see it be taken seriously once again!”
Leo nods and looks around. He sees Guy 3 shaking his head, face turning red. “You, position three, you look like you’ve got something to say.”
“I’d better not.”
“C’mon, Guy 3…let it out. How does that opinion make you feel?”
Guy 3 nods. He chews on the inside of his cheek. Fuck it, he’s gonna speak his mind, “I feel…I feel like I want to write a three thousand word manifesto ripping this guy for his opinion and how he takes this stuff too seriously!”
Leo strides forward and places his hand on Guy 3’s shoulder, “You see what you did there? You want to rip him for taking this too seriously by writing three thousand words about it…doesn’t that seem a little, I don’t know, stupid?”
Guy 3 frowns.
“Instead of showing him that he takes this too seriously by you taking it even more seriously…how about you, ignore his opinion. Let him have it and then go about your day enjoying the things about pro wrestling you enjoy. How about that? Does that sound nice? Doesn’t that sound like an easier, less stressful way to live?”
“It…it does.”
“Great!”
Leo backs away. “People have opinions and they don’t have to align with yours. People have actions and they don’t have to jive with yours. And you know what? That’s okay. They can have theirs and you can have yours and we can all exist. Breathe in, breathe out…say it with me, ‘It’s okay if someone has an opinion that’s different than mine’.”
They follow the exercise. It’s repeated several times. The tension in the room has lowered. The vibe is almost, almost ‘chill’.
“You know what,” Leo smiles, “I think we might be ready for this next exercise.” Leo leans against the wall behind him and gives it a casual knock with his index knuckle. A door slides open and Who’Re emerges. The men gasp.
“Men, I present to you a woman. A flesh and blood, living, breathing woman. In this next exercise, I’m going to have her approach one of you and I want you to introduce yourself to her. That’s it. That’s all. So, let’s begin.”
Leo points at the guy in position 2. Who’Re walks up to him and smiles. His eyes become saucers, “You have really nice tits.”
“Whoa! Whoa!” Leo waves his hands around, stepping forward. He grabs Who’Re and pulls her away from the guy. Leaning forward, getting in the guy’s face Leo sternly says, “Wrong.”
He looks around and points at Guy 10. Who’Re walks over and stands in front of him. Guy 10 nods with confidence, “So, is that a mirror in your pocket because I really wanna get my hand in your pants.”
“NO!” Leo yells, pulling Who’Re away from Guy 10. He slams his hands on his hips and shakes his head, disappointed. “First off, completely and utterly inappropriate. Second…that’s not even how the pickup line goes, man. Shit.”
Guy 8 catches Leo’s eye. “Okay, let’s try this one more time.” He ushers Who’Re over. She stands in front of Guy 8. Guy 8’s eyes slowly lower burying themselves in her cleavage.
They wait for him to say something. He just stares, mesmerized. They wait. This silence goes on for nearly 45 seconds before Who’Re casts an uncomfortable look at Leo.
“Okay, time’s up!” He pulls Who’Re away. Guy 8 looks up. “You didn’t even get out of the starting gate, man. Words. Eye contact. Essential if you want to make friends and, potentially impress women.”
Leo quietly apologizes to Who’Re. She complains about deserving more money for this gig. Leo can’t argue. She leaves. All 11 heads in the room turn, watching her leave.
“Guys!” Leo claps his hands together. They look back his way. “I hate to say it, but you might be the saddest group I’ve ever had to deal with. So, we’re going to have to start at the very beginning. Come with me, let’s head outside.”
The room gasps.
“Relax, you’ll be fine.”
Leo grabs a box and carries it toward the door. One by one, as they exit, he hands them a pair of black shades that are very much like the type you receive from an optometrist after an eye exam. “The sun can be harsh. Do not look directly at it. Take these, wear them. I can’t have you guys going blind. Not on my watch.”
And we’re outside. Leo addresses the 11 men wearing their optometrist-issued shades. “Alright, this is a very simple exercise you should all be able to perform. Now, listen to me carefully. I want each and every one of you to bend over, get down on one knee…whatever works for you…and I want you all to touch grass.”
They murmur amongst themselves.
“Yes, touch the grass. C’mon, you can do it.”
Slowly they bend to the ground to do as their told. Leo’s phone rings.
“Scam Likely? Ah what the hell.” He answers. His attention is suddenly snared, “Mr. Welsh…is that you? You’re alive! Oh wow. Triad. You want me to get you prepped for the Bermuda Triangle? You know I respect you, sir, but I’ve got my own business going here and…”
“My hand!”
“Hold on, sir.”
Leo turns toward the screaming customer. “It’s itchy! It’s red! What’s happening!”
Leo hurries over and inspects the man’s hand. “Oh no, I think you’re allergic to grass.” The rest of the guys freak out, fearing the grass is dangerous. “No, stay calm! Everybody stay calm!”
But, he’s lost control. “Huh? What’s that…no, everything’s fine over here. In fact, I’m running a very successful business, I’ll have you know. My days of working for free are over,” Leo speaks with one hand covering his ear. He steps away from the frenzy.
“He’s passing out!” a voice yells.
Leo covers his ear tighter, “Yea, no, I’m not working for free, especially chasing some mythical treasure inside the Bermuda Triangle. They don’t call it the ‘Devils’ Triangle for nothing, ya know.”
“I don’t feel a pulse!! We need to do CPR!”
Leo slowly looks over his shoulder at the situation unfolding. A team of standby medics from a local ER facility sprint over and place electric shockers (definitely the technical term) on the man’s chest. “And…CLEAR!” a giant wave of volts is shocked into the guy’s system. His entire body convulses. Leo turns back around and leans forward, speaking into the phone.
“Bermuda Triangle, huh? You’ll pay me after we get this Triad thing, right?”
“He’s not responding! The grass was too much for him! Shock him again!”
“Okay, I’m heading down there right now. See you in a few weeks, sir!”
Leo slides his phone into his pocket, places some orthopedic shades over his face, and walks away briskly before turning a corner and bursting into an all-out sprint.