Welsh meets The Radbod and...gives a Eulogy???

~An acoustic version of ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ stirs up all kinds of emotions as our scene fades up to a southern cemetery. One by one, grieving women step up to a tombstone and plant a kiss. Marcus Welsh stands back, eyeing the tombstone~



~A sobbing woman is standing next to him~

Welsh: A real tragedy.

~Woman sobs~

Welsh: Taken from us too soon.

~Woman sobs~

Welsh: Say…

~Welsh turns to the grieving woman~

Welsh: That friend of Dale’s…did he happen to describe what opened that door…what was inside…anything at all?

~She stares at him, eyes full of water~

Welsh: Did they see the TRIAD? Did they get near it? Did they…

~She bawls, crying uncontrollably. Welsh backs off, hands where everyone can see them. It’s time to get the hell out of there~

Priest: Friends, gather round.

~Welsh slowly turns on his heel, not wanting to make his departure obvious~

Priest: It’s a sad day when we are forced to mourn the loss of a member of this community. But, the lord does work in mysterious ways.

~Welsh has his back to the proceedings and mumbles under his breath~

Welsh: Wish he’d mysteriously give me the TRIAD.

Priest: Is there a Marcus Welsh here!?

~Welsh pauses, and everyone turns. He sheepishly pivots back around and flashes that professional smile~

Priest: Mr. Welsh, is that you?

Welsh: Yes.

~He kicks himself. He should’ve lied~

Priest: Well come on up here and say some words about our dear departed Dale. He just loved those wrestling shows you put on throughout the years.

Welsh: I don’t really…

Priest: Wouldn’t you like that, ya’ll?

~The people in attendance chant “YES! YES! YES!” Welsh wears a look of concern for these people. He gets a polite shove from behind and stumbles toward the podium. The priest gladly gives him the stage. Welsh clears his throat and removes a pair of shades. The chants die down and everyone gives him their complete attention~

Welsh: What…

~Awkward silence. A woman sniffles. A man wipes his eyes. Another woman is having trouble holding it together~

Welsh: What, umm

~A light sob. More sniffling~

Welsh: What can you say about Dale…I mean, he was a male

~A few nods. One woman says, “Mhm, all male.” A man chimes in, “You got that right!”~

Welsh: Who…liked to chase tail…

~The women in the crowd laugh. The men let out a ‘woo, go Dale!”~

Welsh: And he never put his ideals up for sale

~A man asks ‘what's ideal mean?’ another responds ‘it means Jesus’. The man yells out, “Hell yea!” People nod and start to get into it~

Welsh: He blazed a trail…the man did not know how to fail

~”Nope, he sure didn’t.” “Not my Dale” “Hell naw!”~

Welsh: He fought tooth and nail knowing that he would prevail!

~The people stand, whistling with their fingers~

Welsh: As he set his sail to achieve the holy grail!

~Fists pump into the air, people are hootin and hollerin~

Welsh: Boy, I tell ya…that man Dale…he knew how to raise some HAIL!

~Welsh’s face squishes, shocked at how he pronounced the word~

Welsh: Long live my man Dale and only sissies eat kale!

~The people chant “DALE! DALE! DALE!” Marcus leans into the mic~

Welsh: Roll Tide.

~The place explodes with cheers. Babies fly into the air. It’s the most excitement this town has seen in dog’s age. The Priest walks up and shakes Welsh’s hand~

Priest: Ya said it all, son. Good luck in Angkor Wat on New Year’s Eve.

Welsh: Thanks, Father.

~Welsh walks down. He shakes hands, high fives, kisses babies, gets the whole presidential treatment as he exits the scene. A safe distance away, the noise a mere distraction in the background, Welsh talks to himself, correcting the detour his dialect took. A car is idling nearby with the window down. A man with thick, curly black hair and shades over his eyes leans out the window~

Welsh: Can…I help you?

Man: You lookin for Radbod?

Welsh: Actually, yes…do you…

Man: Ya found him. Get in.



~Welsh moves for the backseat but Radbod barks out~

Radbod: Nah, driver’s seat. My license is revoked.

~Welsh lets go of the back door and heads around the car, hopping behind the wheel. He looks over at Radbod~

Welsh: How did you get here?

Radbod: That’s none of your business.

Welsh: Okay…umm…where are we going?

Radbod: Just drive, dipstick.

~Welsh puts the car into gear and drives off. They get a few miles down the road. Radbod is leaning back, wind flowing through his hair, cigarette in his mouth. Welsh glances at him and back on the road…again and again and again~

Radbod: What’s your damage?

Welsh: Excuse me?

Radbod: Why you keep eyeballing me, zeek?

Welsh: I, uh…what?

~Radbod remains in his position, chilling~

Welsh: I guess I’m wondering where we’re going.

Radbod: You tell me.

Welsh: Man, you called us.

Radbod: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t.

Welsh: No, you actually did. I have the phone records to prove it.

~Radbod lets out a ‘pssh’ and flicks his cigarette out the window. He points~

Radbod: Spin those wheels to the left, square.

~They take a left. They pass a sign that reads “Judd Nelson Campus”. Radbod reaches forward and cranks up the radio. “Nothin But a Good Time” by Poison plays. He leans out the window. A bunch of students are walking around~

Student: YO RADBOD!

Radbod: Sup, scrub.

Student: RADBOD, MY MAN!

Radbod: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

Student: THE RADBOD!!

Radbod: Gag me with a spoon.

~A guy wearing a varsity letter jacket spots Radbod. Radbod slaps the door to the car and points forward. The letter jacket student nods~

Radbod: Take a right up here, yuppy.

~Welsh feels like screaming. But, he takes a right. They find themselves behind the campus. The student in the letter jacket walks up~

Letter Jacket: What’s up, Radbod.

~Radbod leans back, taking his time before answering~

Radbod: Looks like the sky to me, chief.

~The student is on the verge of making fun of Radbod but chooses pragmatism~

Letter Jacket: Are you good?

Radbod: Brother, I was good the day I was born.

Letter Jacket: Alright…you better show.

Radbod: Relax, homeslice. I won’t bounce. I’m not bogus.

Letter Jacket: Whatever.

~The guy leaves. Radbod turns to Marcus~

Welsh: What the hell is going on?

Radbod: We gotta make a pit stop.

Welsh: Not until you give me some answers.

Radbod: Stop acting like such a square ya Wastoid. Drive.

~Welsh experiences very, very violent emotions. But, thoughts of Dadbod’s success. The TRIAD. They push him to hang in this situation a bit longer~


~Welsh emerges with a shopping cart full of booze. He places it in the backseat and returns to the steering wheel. The sun has set~

Welsh: I have never bought that much alcohol in my life. You should have seen the way the cashier looked at me.

Radbod: It ain’t no sweat, jack.

~Radbod is in his usual leaned back position, arm hanging out of the car~

Welsh: Okay, so the total was…

Radbod: Don't worry about the numbers, point dexter.

Welsh: ...Well I am worried about them.

~Radbod backhands Marcus in the chest~

Radbod: Chill. I’m good for it. Hit the wheel, man. We got places to be.


~They pull up to a nice two-story home. Cars are up and down the street. The letter jacket guy from earlier opens the door and rushes out with his buddies. They grab all the booze, ignoring Radbod. Radbod, leaning against the car, hands in his pockets, speaks~

Radbod: Ain’t no sweat.

~The students hurry back inside with the booze. Radbod looks at Welsh~

Radbod: Well, what ya waiting on, Dude?

Welsh: Oh no. We’re not going in there.

Radbod: What’s the beef, square?

Welsh: The beef? How old are these people?

~Radbod leans in~

Radbod: Old enough to partayyyyy!

~He turns and struts up the walkway and into the house yelling “RADBOD IS HERE!” Minimal response. Welsh stays on the front lawn, hands in his pockets, looking into the sky~

Voice: Ahem

Welsh: Wha…oh dear Jesus

~It’s a female student~

Female Student: I just wanted to say hi.

~Welsh raises a very awkward hand and does the absolute minimal wave~

Female Student: I really appreciate what you did for my party here. We all do. It’s not every day someone like you, so mature shows up.

~Welsh’s eyes are twice their normal size, bugging out. He stares at the student, terrified~

Female Student: You wanna come in? I can show you around.

Welsh: RADBOD! RADBOD! GET YOUR FUCKIN ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!

~The student runs away, scared to death. Radbod comes bounding out of the house, his t-shirt covered in beer. He pauses, leaning forward, trying to catch his breath. Welsh glares at the man~

Radbod: Ain’t no thang, L-7. I’m only out of breath cause I just finished a three-minute keg stand.

Welsh: We haven’t been here three minutes.

Radbod: Well it was a small keg.

Welsh: We're getting out of here.

Radbod: Tell ya what, moby slick. How about me and you go in there and show these nimrods how it's done. Keg bros, am I right?

~Radbod holds out a fist. Welsh grabs him by the ear~

Radbod: OW!

~Welsh throws him into the car. They drive off~


~Welsh is behind the wheel, his hands choking the leather. His face twisted in anger. Radbod’s shades are removed and fear trembles behind his eyes~

Radbod: I’m so sorry, Mr. Welsh. I just wanted to show you how I roll. I’m the Radbod. The coolest Bod. I really think we cou-

Welsh: Get out.

Radbod: Please don’t end it this way. Let’s go share a drink at an adult bar. Your treat. I’ll pay you back in the…

Welsh: GET OUT!!

~Radbod opens the door and stumbles out. He leans in through the passenger’s window~

Radbod: Can I at least borrow $20? You know I'm good for it.

~Welsh glares at Radbod and revs the engine.~

Radbod: This is my friend Carl’s car. He’s gonna be real mad if you…

Welsh: Tell him he can pick the fuckin thing up at the airport. Get the fuck off the window before you flip this fuckin thing over.

~Radbod staggers back as Welsh peels out. Radbod’s about to cry. A couple of teens walk by~

Teen: Radbod, man! What’s up? Cool peel out!

~Radbod wipes his tears away and tries to regain his composure~

Radbod: Hey, ya know, it’s just how I…

~He can’t control his emotions. He turns and sprints inside his parents' house. We fade out~