The Death of Kenny Patsasoglou; The Death of Bifford's Dream

Post by Plethora the Perilous on Apr 18, 2024 10:37:41 GMT -5

The promotional video begins without the standard moment of static and immediately shows Earl the Popcorn Salesman, Bifford's longtime sidekick, behind the counter at the Second Chance Ranch Post Office. He stands, waiting. It seems that a community of about 250 people don't really need to mail each other things in this digital age, particularly when they all live in row houses and near one another. Earl looks down and appears to have a handwritten note in front of him. He signs in. The camera zooms in on the note and viewers who pause could probably read the whole thing:


My name is Earl. For 24 years I've been a sidekick to a maniac mass-murdering madman named Bifford. His losses as a part of the Triad federation over the past month have left Bifford wildly irrational and dangerous. They began the executions killing someone who might have been Mose Maurako, but since then there have been several more executions. We can never tell who it is, because we are all required to wear the Plethora robes, but none have been announced as being my friend Kenny. This means Kenny is still locked in Bifford's jail under Town Hall with Kenny's former lawyer. Buffy said that Kenny being down there was part of her plan, but I don't see how this ends well. If someone finds this note, know that I never ate any of the sandwiches. Also check under Town Hall to make sure there aren't still people in the jail. I feel like the Second Chance Ranch is falling apart. Bifford's world is spiraling. Sincerely, Earl.


He folded the letter, put it in an envelope and sealed it.. then tucked it under the counter and taped it there. 


Earl: If the feds ever raid this place.. they'll find it..


Looking around, he continued his long wait for customers as the scene faded to darkness.

In the Town Hall, various secretarial workers wearing Plethora robes walked about with urgency, running a small town with great proficiency. A door opened and a larger Plethora figure walked out. Removing his hood, everyone saw it was Bifford.


Secretary: Good morning Mr. Benson! We hope you're having a good day!


Another Secretary: Good day, sir!


Bifford nodded, and looked out over the dozen or so workers, smiling with approval.


Bifford: Yes, that's the sort of pace I like to see.. work hard, my children.. for today isn't just a Good Day.. today is the best day. Today begins our campaign against my ancient enemy..


The secretarial workers keep working, but you can tell they're a bit uncomfortable with Bifford's plan to destroy all of the trees on the planet, beginning today.


Bifford: Make sure to tell folks that there's a mandatory meeting today in the square. We will execute the traitor Kenny Patsasoglou and then release the insects that will deal with my oldest enemy..


The secretaries continue working, though one can feel the tension in the room. Bifford walks back into the office he was in previously and closes the door behind him. There he is alone with another hooded figure who removes his hood. It's Boris the Cannibal.


Boris: Are we really putting Kenny to death?


Bifford: Nah, just put a homeless person of similar build under his hood. Kenny will stay in the jail. 


Boris: Are we really going to release the tree-murdering insects?


Bifford: Oh yeah, that's for real. 


Boris: You know.. I think our environment needs the trees. Remember back in the 80s and 90s? Those anti-de-foresting commercials?


Bifford: That was wild propaganda on the part of Big Tree. This week we begin our campaign, and it will not end until all tree-life is gone. 


Boris: What about your match?


Bifford: What about it? It's obvious that I've been too distracted by my larger plan to fully focus on the Triad.. I've lost matches to people from fake islands and I've had tussles with tiny men like Sean Parker. I doubt this week will be any different, but at the end of the day.. I will be victorious. If not over Cypher and Parker, then at least over the trees. And that's the battle that's really worth fighting, anyway. 


Boris: So you're just giving up on winning your match?


Bifford: Oh no.. I shall certainly try to piledrive the hell out of Cypher and Parker and pin them. But honestly.. I have bigger fish to fry. The trees..


Boris: I think your lack of focus is the real issue.. maybe after the extinction-level event you're about to cause is over, you'll be more relaxed and able to focus on more effectively trash-talking your opponents.


Bifford: I don't need to trash talk my opponents, for they are already trash. Garbage people who live on garbage island and eat garbage and are garbage.


Boris: That's.. very.. mature.


Bifford: Leave me now, Boris.. I need to be alone with my thoughts..


Nodding his head, Boris pulled his hood up and then walked through the door into the main lobby of the Town Hall where Bifford had previously been. Bifford was alone in the office and looked into the camera, which moved up close to him.


Bifford: Parker, Cypher.. you deserved to meet a better Bifford than you did here in the Triad. Maybe I'm too old for this, and maybe I'm not really into the whole Triad thing.. I like the nitty-gritty of weekly television shows, not these constant Pay Per View level events.. I'm not into being near the water and I'm not into three-way matches. So, whatever happens this week.. Just know, I'll always be down for a singles match someday in the future. As for this week.. well.. I'm just going to try to stay dry and piledrive one of you.


Bifford looks down at his desk and touches an old-fashioned intercom system. It makes a beeping sound and then a voice comes out of it. "This is Dr. Rousch." "Hello, Syvlio.." "Mr. Benson.." "Are we ready to release the insects?" "Well.. as I said.. I think we should discuss the moral implica-" "Are things ready?" ".. (audible sigh). Yes, Mr. Benson." Bifford reached down and clicked the button on the intercom system again. He walked over to a window and looked out over his community, seeing dozens of people walking about on the streets in their Plethora robes. He looked pleased as the scene faded to darkness.

In a jail cell under the very Town Hall where Bifford was scheming, Kenny the Intern sat in a jail cell with his former lawyer Cornelius Cook. 


Cornelius: So the demon lady told you that he has insects that are going to destroy all the trees?


Kenny: No, Bifford told everyone that.. but she warned me that might end to the extinction of humanity and that I would have to stop it.. but then I fucked it up and got arrested by Bifford's guards.


Cornelius: And you're listening to the demon lady?


Kenny: Listen.. the Demon Lady is evil in a lot of ways, but she doesn't want an extinction event. So.. the enemy of my enemy is my friend?


Cornelius: I don't know man.. I've been down here for a loooong time. I just wish I could get free. I'd go to the beach..


Kenny: He's never going to let you free..


Cornelius: All empires eventually fall.


Outside the jail cell a guard took a few steps to the left and reached down to pick up a book. A burst of flames suddenly ignited behind him and Buffy the Demon appeared there, very much visible from those in the jail cell. She snapped her fingers and the jail guard fell to the ground, loudly snoring. Kenny jumped to his feet and ran to the bars of the jail, watching what was unfolding. Cornelius stood up, but didn't run forward, slightly afraid of the demon he had less previous experiences with. 


Kenny: Buffy! I got arrested! I messed up!


Buffy walked to the bars and smiled at Kenny.


Buffy: You didn't mess anything up.. this is exactly where you're supposed to be. See that elevator?


Buffy motions to an elevator behind her.


Buffy: That goes down to where Dr. Sylvio's lab is. You've got to go down there and stop him.. but it's a one way trip.


Putting his hand on one of the jail bars and leaning forward, Kenny barely whispered, "one way trip?"


Buffy reached up and put her hand on top of Kenny's, as though to comfort him.


Buffy: This is your time. This is your moment. But it's also the end of the road. I'll give you the tools, but you'll need to do it. Bifford can't know I was involved.


She smiled and snapped her finger. A beige package appeared in Kenny's hand. He looked at it. "What do I do with this? How do I get out of this cell?"

Buffy just smiled at him and said, "you did well getting this far.. you'll do well finishing this.." and with that she snapped her fingers and disappeared into a burst of flames. The demon was gone and Kenny was again alone with his former lawyer, in a jail cell, but now holding a package. Kenny turned to face Cornelius Cook, "she didn't tell me how we get out of this cell.." He said, leaning back on the jail bars. He almost fell over as the bars fell to the ground, but he caught his balance and stayed upright. 


"You might not want to drop that thing in here," Cornelius said, pointing to the package. 


Kenny: I'm scared.


The black lawyer walked forward and put his hand on Kenny's shoulder. "Good luck, son," he said as he patted the young man's shoulder.


Kenny turned and walked toward the elevator as the scene faded to darkness. 

In the town square, hundreds of people gathered around the gallows where it appears Bifford has already executed someone in a plethora robe, claiming they were Kenny the Intern Traitor. Bifford looks out over the crowd, his hood lowered.


Bifford: Now that the traitor has been dealt with.. we can turn our attention to my greatest enemy. My ancient enemy. The trees that have haunted me since childhood. 


Bifford walks to the side of the stage and points to a massive chimney/pipe that is coming from the ground.


Bifford: Out of this pipe will come hundreds of thousands of violent bugs.. you need not worry, they do not harm humans when trees are available to be eaten.. They will end all of my problems..


The crowd buzzes with excitement and some confusion about what is going on, but Bifford smiles his charming smile at them. They suddenly get quiet though and then the ground shakes violently. Bifford looks around and another violent shaking of the ground occurs. Then a third, this one enough that it knocks many people over, including Bifford who falls over on the stage. His eyes bulge, full of fury and confusion. "What the fuck was that?" He gets to his feet when for a fourth violent shaking nearly knocks him over again. The pipe/chimney begins bellowing out black smoke. Bifford looks at it with anger and confusion and takes off running toward City Hall. The crowd begins dispersing in chaos - people screaming and running in every direction. Boris the Cannibal runs alongside Bifford, neither man bothering to put their hoods on.


Running into the front door of City Hall, they come across a secretary who apparently stayed back.


Secretary: Mr. Benson - something happened the whole building shook.. it came from downstairs. Was it an earthquake?


Bifford totally bypassed the secretary and walked into his office with Boris, slamming the door behind him. He grabbed a remote and turned on his television, which is apparently for viewing security footage. He rewound the cameras and found footage of Dr. Sylvio in his office. The scene fades to darkness.


In his office in the science lab under the Second Chance Ranch, Dr. Sylvio sat - before the chaos ensued. His door opened and he looked up and saw Kenny the Intern, someone he honestly didn't recognize.


Sylvio: Who're you?


Kenny: I'm here to see the insects.


Sylvio pointed to the left where several large windows looked into the massive room where the insects darted about.


Kenny: How do I get inside?


Sylvio: Inside? They're dangerous.


Kenny pulled the gun he had taken off of the unconscious jail guard out and pointed it at the scientist.


Sylvio: If you open that enclosure, we will all die unimaginably horrible deaths the likes of which-


Kenny shot Dr. Rousch and then turned and began firing bullets at the glass enclosure. The glass cracked and crumbled and the insects began swarming into the office. Kenny threw the beige package down and the room was engulphed in flames, consuming everything in the lab in a series of explosions.

In his office several floors above where the explosion took place, Bifford watched until the explosion and then the security feed went black. He just stared at the screen in silence. Boris, having seen what Bifford just did, slowly backed out of the room and closed the door.


Bifford was alone.